Back in the Saddle Again!!!

I cannot believe that it has been three weeks since I posted. I left for vacation on September 3rd and took my laptop so that I could post while gone. Internet access was sketchy at best and I could not post. I returned home yesterday with one thought “ Always post in advance before going on vacation!” Today as I reflected on that thought I realized that the Good News IS that this is exactly how it is supposed to be. For some reason the universe deemed that I would not post for three weeks and so be it. Reminds of the book I am reading now entitled “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. This remarkable woman reminds us that everything is at it should be! I know that this concept can at times be hard to grasp but it is so true.

I would like to take the time to give you my example of how this is true. Like a lot of you out there I have had events in my life that I had deemed as traumatic and hurtful. In reality, these events were hurtful and traumatic. They wounded me deeply and touched areas of my soul that I did not know even existed. At the time, I did not realize how these events helped me grow and expand my consciousness. I did not take the time to see that every experience shapes me into who I am at this very moment. The most important lesson is that if I resist or try to repress any moment of my life I am in some way denying myself. How can that be? Simply put each and every one of the moments in my life has contributed to the person that I am at this very moment. I love the person I am right here and right now. I am content with my attributes, my flaws, my talents, my passions, my physical body, and my soul. Without any further ado here is my story:

I was married to man right out of high school and we had two beautiful children together. As the relationship progressed I realized that his drug use was not only a weekend “fun time” but now was an everyday addiction. This addiction progressed to selling drugs out of house. I knew that my children and I must go and as a result we moved into our own home. My children were very young at the time and it was a good decision for all of us and I married my second husband who raised my children as his own.

Years later my ex-husband was back in my children’s life and wanted to see them regularly. At 14 and 16 I believed that they could handle the situation and he promised that he was clean and off drugs. I unfortunately gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed that he was clean. However, he was not and in his addiction believed that if our children where going to do drugs it would be better for them to do it with him than on the streets. To make a long story short, both of our children became addicted to Meth. My son was in prison as a result of the drug and my daughter is just now getting her life together as a result of this experience.
I have struggled for years with the emotions inside of me towards my ex-husband and at the time his girlfriend. There was always a distance, anger, or should I say more like a rage! I was the mama bear and this man, in my opinion, had hurt my children.

In the last few years my ex-husband was in prison and completed a recovery program. He has helped many in his recovery and is very active in meetings and other programs to help others with drug addiction. In January of this year my daughter moved back into the state and decided to live with her father. This decision was based on the fact that he lived in the city and the college she wanted to attend was in the same city. He helped her move back and has given her a place to live rent-free. There was not much of a relationship between the two of them and they have worked hard over the past months to build one based on trust and love.

I watched as my daughter worked through developing this relationship (helped her where I could) and saw the emergence of a woman, the little girl was fading quickly. She was growing stronger and more confident while expressing what she wanted to this man she considered somewhat a stranger. This was real growth for her. I found myself writing a card last month to thank him and his wife for making my daughter feel secure and loved in their home. As I wrote this card I realized that my feelings of rage had now gone and were replaced with feelings of gratitude that they were a part of her life. I now love them for they are a part of me as are all of you.

It seems in my life that people have a hard time with forgiveness for they feel they must be nice and have contact with the ones that they forgive and for me this is false. I chose to write the card of gratitude to them so they would know that we are grateful for what they are doing. However, there is no reason for them to be a part of my life except through my daughter. I will not become instant friends or let them into my inner circle of friends. You see I love them for they are part of us all but they are not in vibration with what I want. We all know that we can love one another without agreeing with the actions of others, or their views. It is called unconditional love and we do it with relatives all the time. Forgiveness is the same. I have created these events without being aware, now being aware; I take responsibility and concentrate on positive outcomes! The most positive outcome is my children. They are just as they should be, they are wonderful and they are perfection. If I were to change any of the experiences of their life it would change them!

I would not change one single moment of my life, I am thankful for all that I am and I am grateful in this moment that I remember who I am and more importantly that I remember who you are and our connection to each other and all there is.

Bless you and may your heart and soul be filled with love for yourself and all that is.

Tina Mae